Queen of Corona – Quarantine Day 285 – Lauren Gives Up Alcohol (For Now?) December 27, 2020

I have officially made it 30 days without injesting alcohol – the longest I have intentionally gone in my adult life. In the summer of 2019 I aimed for a 30 day detox but went to the bar (Sanchos) after 25 days. I think I have reached a point now where I know that alcohol is really not benefitting my life, and though there are things about drinking that I love, I no longer have space for the negativity it brings to my life.

In November of 2020 I went 15 intentional days without drinking and then drank the night before Thanksgiving and on Thanksgiving Day. On Thanksgiving Day I drank my usual suspects, Jack Daniels and beer. The house I spent Thanksgiving at was close enough to the new (and amazing!) Grateful Dead bar/venue So Many Road Museum and Brewery, and my friends and I walked over there for a drink after dinner. It was there, at So Many Roads, while sipping a beer and listening to Jerry Garcia Band on the sound system, that I said to my friend, “I hope this is the last (alcoholic) drink I ever have.”

The fact that I said that blew my mind, but it came from the heart. In truth, I can’t imagine my life without alcohol, and thinking of it that way is actually scary. Will I still dance at shows? Will I be talkative and socialize? Will I make new friends? Will old friends want to hang out with me; what will we do if we can’t ‘get a drink’? Will I still bond with people? Will people find me boring? Will anyone want to date someone that doesn’t drink, and if we are dating, will they find they connect better with someone else while intoxicated and chose that person over me? Will I still have FUN? These are just a few of the apprehensive thoughts I have had about quitting alcohol.

I have always considered myself a social drinker and never thought my alcohol intake was a problem in my life, until, of course, 2020, although I have always gotten very severe hangovers. It would be impossible for me to count the number of times I spent the day after drinking in bed puking up bile until at least lunch time. I’m a morning puker. I have actually never blacked out from drinking, but I will vomit once my body has reached its limit. And even if I didn’t puke the day after drinking, there’s the headaches, the dehydration, and most prominent for me, the bad moods and what may be defined as depression.

When covid got bad and quarantine began in March 2020 I found myself drinking a lot more than I usually did, and because there was nowhere to go, I was doing a lot of this drinking alone in my studio apartment. There were days I woke up and started drinking, or considered it a success if I waited until 3:00 or 5:00PM to drink. Once I got good and buzzed I would go on walks around Denver, sing and dance to music coming through my headphones and get out some of the energy that I was used to releasing on the dance floor.

Some of these times were really fun for me, but what wasn’t fun was the way I felt the next day: anxious, tired, sad, depressed, reluctance to do everyday tasks like go to the grocery store or cook meals. When I flip back through my 2020 journal I see that I wrote the statement “I need to stop drinking” a bunch of times.

There were three isolated incidents I experienced in 2020 that made me realize that when I felt hurt or betrayed I reacted in ways that were very atypical of my usual behavior. In early 2020 I threw someone’s belongings out of my apartment, told them they sucked and to get the fuck out of my life. Later in the year I threw a drink (whiskey water) on someone’s chest, and I slapped someone else across the face and was very mean to them. Even though I was the one who did the slapping, it was the third incident that was my wakeup call, MY slap in the face that maybe, just maybe, I would be better off in life without alcohol.

The person I threw the drink on was pissed at first but got over it quickly and said they deserved it. The person I slapped was also remorseful for their actions and said they deserved it. Yes, both of these people hurt and/or betrayed me, triggered me or crossed my boundaries, but in both instances I was under the influence of alcohol and can’t help but wonder how I would have reacted had I been sober.

In early 2020 (after “the first incident”) I began going to therapy because surprise, surprise, I repeatedly find myself in relationships with people who have severe substance abuse problems and I simply do not have the emotional capacity to do that anymore. I needed to figure out why I find myself in the same dating pattern time and time again, and what I can do to get out of it.

I’ve had a fair amount of therapy sessions, read some really good self-help books and made some decent progress on my self this year, but still had the lingering thought, “Maybe if I don’t abuse substances I won’t feel attracted to someone that does.” Because I’ll tell you what, being in a relationship where substances are abused is a stressful, emotional and depressing thing. I don’t want attraction of deprivation anymore. I want attraction of inspiration, and the only place I can start is with myself.

Therefore, I have decided to give up alcohol. Alcohol has not been a blessing for me, and though I will miss it dearly, I need it out of my life. I do not expect this decision to be easy, nor do I know if it will be permanent, but as I hear they say in AA, one day at a time.

Yesterday I felt the most triggered to drink that I have felt in my 30 day streak, and it was when I was streaming Vince Herman and Andy Thorn from one of my favorite bands, Leftover Salmon. They were talking about drinking and said they had beers chilling in the snow, Andy Thorn said he is drinking for three since his wife is eight months pregnant, and they played the song “Whiskey Before Breakfast”. Ugh. Whiskey and bluegrass, two of my favorite things.

I love whiskey, specifically, Jack Daniels. I wish I didn’t. Jack Daniels, water and a splash of ginger ale – that’s my drink of choice. Or a hot toddy. Or Jack Daniels with water straight out of the tap in the bathroom at a concert. I like beer too, but mostly I drink whiskey cocktails.

Now I’m drinking tea, water and seltzer water. I’m incredibly hydrated, and it feels amazing. For the last 30 days I’ve woken up feeling great each morning and chug a pint of filtered water with a drop of lemon essential oil in it. It’s delicious. I’ve been motivated to exercise, clean and cook, and though I sometimes cry daily, overall my emotional wellbeing is so much higher without alcohol bringing me down.

Last weekend I hung out with work friends for a holiday get-together and I successfully went to So Many Roads, saw a Grateful Dead cover band, danced (covid style) and DIDN’T DRINK. I was quite proud of myself for that and bought a beautiful framed “Bertha” poster for myself as a gift and a constant reminder that I am better off without alcohol.

I don’t know what will happen when major concerts resume. I hope that I am able to stay away from booze and am well-adjusted to life without it by the time I go to shows again. Perhaps I will find that after a booze break I am able to go back to drinking in a more responsible way. I am trying not to hold myself to expectations and know that if I do decide I really want a drink I am an adult and allowed to have one, but for now I am going to continue on sans-alcohol.

As Janis turned Bobby would sing, “Feeling good was good enough for me…”

Queen of Corona – Day 70 – A Lauren Update May 26, 2020

This morning I awoke from a really awesome dream in which I was seeing live music.  I was at a small outdoor venue and on the stage was Mickey Hart on guitar (?), Andy Thorn on banjo and Andy’s wife Cecelia on vocals, along with an orchestra on the grass in front of them. (I started following Cecelia Thorn on Instagram recently so I imagine that’s why she was in my dream, but really have no idea why.)

When the band started their first song I danced so hard and did a crazy jedi dance move where I was able to jump up, lay horizontal and do a 360 in the air.  I hit my head on something in the act, and decided to move closer to the stage because there was barely anyone in the audience.  As I moved up front it began to rain and I went under an E-Z Up. Right as I started to dance to the second song my 5:40AM alarm went off and I was forced awake for work, and not very happy about it.  I was bummed I got taken away from that dream, right when I was about to get some good dancing in.

Luckily I got some good dancing done in real life in my apartment this evening.  I was about to stream the featured Phish show when I was reminded that Vince Herman was doing a live stream, and I decided to watch that, instead.  Vince’s authentic and vibrant energy lifted my already high spirits and I felt the vibe.

I actually haven’t even really watched the Phish streams the past couple weeks.  I mean, I’ve watched portions of them, but lately not the entire thing. There’s just something about watching a Phish show alone and sober that hasn’t been holding my interest for all that long every Tuesday night, especially if I need to relax my energy for an early bed time. The past couple weeks I’ve skipped the second sets, but in other news, I’ve quit drinking as much as I was when quarantine began.

However, I am listening to the second set of the 12/29/18 stream right now, along with everyone else watching “Dinner And a Movie.”  I’ve seen this show before because I streamed in the family room at my parents’ house when it was happening.  I loved the show and was bummed I wasn’t there, especially because I was visiting my family in northern NJ and was 35 miles away from MSG at the time.  I had plans to go the next two nights, though, and had an amazing New Year’s Eve experience, thanks to the Phish, and the guy I got my ticket from.  

Tonight I am feeling entertained by the Phish stream, and I did have one beer.  Not sure if that correlates.  I think it’s just my energy tonight, which has been much more positive lately than it was when the coronavirus-quarantine-stuff first began.  I actually have been doing some self-medicating with a natural substance after my therapist recommended antidepressants to me three times.  My method is working fucking wonders.  Today was day 32 of it.  I’d like to write about it in more detail, but not sure I feel comfortable doing that right now.

I should I have said “my former therapist” in the last paragraph because I had to break up with her.  One day before a scheduled appointment she sent me a text message and said she had to cancel our appointment, and then confided in me via text that she was having en emotional breakdown and was worried about herself.  I understood where she was coming from and didn’t hold it against her, but as far as a professional relationship between us is concerned, that cord was cut.  One friend I told this story to said it’s probably a good sign she confided in me because it shows she thinks I am mentally stable.

I might give up on therapy soon.  I don’t think I’m getting the feedback I want out of it.  I actually liked the therapist I dumped better than the one I replaced her with, but we’ve only had two sessions.  I cancelled my third session because I was tired and didn’t feel like talking.  I think I want to be analyzed and told why I make the decisions I do, but it’s usually just me talking about past relationship issues.  It seems like I get more out of reading self-help books and Google searches, but I still highly recommend therapy to anyone considering it.  I’ve described it as a weight being lifted off my shoulders.  Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone, and maybe I haven’t found the right match yet.

 

I’ve been pretty busy lately.  I succeeded at finding ways to fill my time…I guess.  I’ve been working my garden landscape job 2-3 days/week and got my garden plot all planted.  I’ve had some side jobs the past couple weeks, and even made the bold move to hang out with two friends last Saturday night.  However, a few days after we hung out one of them texted to tell me that he had a sore throat and slight fever, which of course freaked me out a little, but it turned out he had strep throat and not Covid-19.

 

I suppose I’ve finally gotten used to my little non-social life.  Most days I sleep from 10:30PM-6:30AM, give or take. Aside from work situations and my community garden, I don’t spend time with very many people.  I’ve had some invitations to hang out and/or party with a few people, and I usually say no.  This whole “stay at home(ish)” experience has been really good for me, and just what I needed.  I do miss live music, though, and tonight while dancing to the most funky “Party Time” ever in the kitchen during the Phish stream I realized that when concerts do return I will probably dance harder than ever before…and I tend to dance pretty hard.

I recently decided to do something adultish and invested in some new bedding.  It has been a trial and error of testing out the perfect comforter for me, and I am expecting my fourth blanket in the mail this week.  I hope #4 is the one.  This blanket is supposed to be fluffy yet cooling, because it contains a down alternative and is made from eucalyptus fiber.

I will let you all know how that goes – maybe it will be my next blog post!

I hope you all are doing well and able to enjoy life right now.

Sending love.

LC

Queen of Corona – Day 46 – 46 Days and the Coal Ran Out May 5, 2020

No, my coal didn’t really run out.  I’ve actually had the use the AC lately.  “46 Days” is a Phish song, for those who don’t know.  You should listen to it…at home, on the go, at a Tuesday stream party…anywhere but live, because Phish (summer) tour 2020 is cancelled.

I own tickets for Tahoe and a premier camping pass for the Gorge.  I’m going to hold on to them for next year.  I have plenty of time to pay them off.  I didn’t score Dick’s tickets this year and hoped it wouldn’t be as much of a struggle to find them as it was last year since Phish had a longer tour mapped out, but now I am going to be worried for 488 days about finding a set of field tickets for 2021.

But…the universe always acts in my favor, and I have like, 1,000 Phish friends, right?

I would like to follow through on my planned trip to Tahoe in July and rent a car, camp and visit some friends, but I will have to wait and see how the world is at that time.  Luckily the flight I booked for the trip is through Southwest airlines so making changes won’t be an issue.  I also have a hotel room reserved for the small chance that there are Halloween shows in Vegas, but I don’t actually think that event will happen.

I consider today (Saturday, 5/2/2020) to be day 46 of quarantine because I go off of the day the bars and restaurants closed in Denver.  It has been seven weeks to the day since I last went out dancing to live music.  That’s about how long I went without live music this past fall when I was working a harvest on a farm, and that was my record amount of time away from the scene.  Of course I miss it and I end up walking around town at night while I listen to music, dance and sing.  I’m not gonna lie, I’ve managed to have fun by myself, but I’m definitely drinking more than usual.

It reminds me of this Charles Bukowski quote a (Phish!) friend shared on Facebook, “That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, alcohol has been keeping me entertained. Is it concerning?  Slightly; except for the fact that almost everyone I talk to has been drinking more than usual.  Is drinking more than usual what I want to be doing?  Not necessarily.  Why do I continue to drink even though I constantly tell myself I’m going to do a 30 day detox?  I don’t know…and that’s where the Charles Bukowski quote comes in.

I’ve developed a new habit of waking up around 6:30AM every day.  I’m totally fine with that.  I have to get up early on the days I work for the landscape gardening company and my brain must like the early hours because it wakes me up at that time everyday now, no matter when I go to bed; not that I’ve been staying up all that late.

Yesterday morning I awoke at 5:30AM and could NOT fall back asleep and wondered why.  Eventually I got up and put on some Phish, which is not always what I listen to first thing in the morning.  I ended up listening to Phish for hours before I went to do some work at my community garden.  When I got home from the garden I checked Facebook and saw the announcement that I expected was coming but didn’t want to hear – Phish tour is cancelled and rescheduled for 2021.  I think my subconscious knew the announcement was coming that day and that’s why I woke up so early and put on the PHISH!

2020 – the year of Dinner and a Movie.

I haven’t written a blog in about two weeks.  I started off strong when quarantine began; writing one a day.  So what have I been doing?  Let’s see.

I work part-time for this garden landscape company, and it’s exhausting, but definitely good for me (though my back and knees might disagree). I’ve been rather loyal to a few music streams each week.  On Tuesdays I watch Phish, Thursdays I watch Railroad Earth and Saturdays are for Dead and Company.  I’ve done some arts & crafts, coloring and water color painting on coloring book pages.  I’ve spent time talking to friends.  I write in my journal.  I’ve sent out mail via the United States Postal Service.  I keep up to date with everyone on Facebook.  I do a lot of “yard work” between my job and my community garden.  I’ve managed to gain a few pounds by eating a lot of snacks, despite spending hours walking around.  Sometimes I dress up in sequins or Grateful Dead costume and dance and hula hoop, and sometimes I drink, a fair amount, by myself.  Seems like I could be doing so much more.  I must waste a lot of time each day (sorry people with kids and pets and spouses and things like that).

Here’s what I haven’t been doing this quarantine that I thought I would:  I have not even come close to reading the 22 books I borrowed from the library before it shut down.  I have not been writing a book about my dating adventures, but at least I got back on the blog train. But by far, the most significant thing I have not done this entire quarantine, and am very proud of myself for, is contact the person who was toxic in my life and I had a falling out with six weeks prior to quarantine began.

It occurred to me that in January I highly considered giving up my studio apartment and renting a room in his house, up a mountain pass and down a dirt road at 9,000ft elevation.  If I wanted quarantine and isolation, I would have gotten it.  The day in January that I secured a job near his house and almost gave 30 days notice to my landlord he and I got in one of our many…”disagreements”…and I changed my mind about moving.  Every time I think of it I thank my lucky stars that I kept my apartment and didn’t move into that house.  It probably would have been a disaster.  For fucking real, the universe loves and supports me and always acts in my favor.

I applaud myself for not contacting this guy in approximately three months now.  OK, technically I did hit him up once when intoxicated, but that was before quarantine even began.  The only other time I contacted him was to inquire about picking something up I had stored at his house, which I was able to retrieve with no physical contact. He may have his own side to the story, but I truly believe that he disrespected me and treated me poorly, and I now realize that is a flaw on his character, and not mine.  Something is wrong with my own self-worth that I even allowed that guy in my life as long as I did, and I am working on fixing that.

He tried to say I was “violent” when we had our falling out in early February because I threw the belongings he left in my apartment into the hallway when he came to retrieve them, along with his dog, which he left with me for over 24 hours with no food or contact, but I don’t consider that violence.  I consider that being me pissed off and hurt by his actions and by him taking advantage of me that weekend, and it was my fiery, passive-aggressive, Arian way of telling him to get the fuck out of my life. (For the record, I thought about deleting this paragraph because it may be too much information, but then I listened to “Jack Straw” and decided to leave it, because, “I’ve got to settle one old score, one small point of pride…”)

He and I had a lot of ups and downs over our year+ friendship/relationship, but I always forgave him and told myself he was my friend and was a solid person in my life.  It finally dawned on me that he’s not, and he really never was.  Of course he was toxic in my life because he was toxic to himself.  We definitely had some good times and he helped me through a challenging point in my life, but at the same time, he added a lot of challenges to my life.  I finally realized I’m too good and too old to deal with that crap anymore.  Besides, I don’t need any more grey hairs on my head caused by someone that I choose to have in my life.

I have really been trying to practice self love lately.  Every time I look in the mirror I tell myself I am beautiful.  I stop my mind from speaking negatively about myself and turn the thought into a positive.  I am by no means perfect, but I am a pretty fucking cool and awesome chick, and I deserve so much more than the idiots I have given my time to can give me.

Life is about learning, ay? Better late than never…

The other thing I haven’t been doing, aside from sometimes drinking too much, is partying.  I’m in bed every night by midnight at the latest, and (apparently) up with the sun everyday.  It is SO good for me and would be amazing if I could keep that going.  Of course, I miss concerts and the energy of live music and hanging with friends until the wee morning hours, but it is in my best interest to believe that the universe is giving me exactly what I need right now.  My new routine has done a lot of good for my mental health, my moods and my overall feelings of well being, although, concerts can do that too, especially if I’m not hungover the next day.

Feeling good was good enough for me!

I am still emotional and tear up (and sometimes cry) at all sorts of different things, but overall I’ve been feeling a lot better.  I am grateful to have this time to myself to re-evaluate what and who is a priority in my life.  The ability to get paid to work outside has been nice, though I am uncertain how I’ll fare in the heat.  This job can be demanding, and they don’t exactly follow labor laws. But the job, like everything else, is temporary.

As Phish would say, “I keep waiting for the time when I can finally say, this has all been wonderful, but now I’m on my way…”  – DOWN WITH DISEASE!

Peace!

 

 

 

 

 

Queen of Corona – Day 31 – Stimulus Checks April 16, 2020

People have begun to receive their $1200 stimulus checks, and while some are excited about it, I consider it a slap in the face.  Sure, it’s better than nothing and I want (need) the money, but $1200?  What does that even really do?  It basically pays my bills for one month.

I’m so annoyed/mad/pissed the fuck off at the government right now.  The rich continue to get richer and people like me are stuck working 8.5 hour shifts with no breaks for minimal hourly pay.  Other people are home collecting regular unemployment plus an extra $600/week.  Additionally, according to Forbes.com (link to article at bottom), “43,000 taxpayers, who earn more than $1 million annually, are each set to receive a $1.7 million windfall, on average, thanks to a provision buried in the Coronavirus Aid, Relief, and Economic Security (CARES) Act.”

To me, it feels like the government is leaving poor “essential workers” out to die.  $1200? That’s a fucking joke.  Experts, like real experts, not our reality TV star imbecile of a president, expect this crisis and economic recession to last for months, possibly even a year or more.  Tell me, Mr. Prez, what is $1200 going to do?

They want us to stimulate the economy with it, but where are we going to spend it?  Where I live, almost all small businesses are closed.  The only places open are owned by corporations!  Walmart, Target, Kroger, etc.  Spending money at those places isn’t stimulating the economy because the CEOs make all the profit while the front line employees make their same shitty hourly wage.

Oh, hey, maybe I’ll order a bunch of stuff for myself on Amazon and help the owner, Jeff Bezos, the richest man in the world, GET RICHER! And while Bezos is probably sipping a cocktail on a private island somewhere, we’ll all order from Amazon and our purchases will get packed, handled and transported by more “essential workers” who are most likely making less than $20/hr and exposing themselves (and others) to the virus daily.

According to Business Insider (link to article at bottom), “Jeff Bezos net worth jumps $23.6 billion in 2020…but more than 74 US warehouses alone have now reported cases of the virus, and concerns from workers about safety and sanitation have ballooned, leading to employee walkouts and protests.”

Yesterday in the White House briefing Trump said he was going to start speaking with governors to “get some states” open, despite medical experts’ advice.  In case you are unaware, a medical expert in this situation is someone who went to medical school, has studied viruses, believes in science, and earned a PhD.  Why is our country being led and addressed by someone who has zero experience or expertise in this field?  He is making decisions that will affect all 328 million people that live in the United States based off of what he wants.

None of the White House staff have to deal with the anxiety and emotion that comes along with seeing everyone in masks while out in public.  They don’t have to worry how much treatment their health insurance will cover if they get sick. Is this whole pandemic even real, or does the government just want people to die?  But hey, as long as the rich get richer, that’s all that counts, right?

And now my favorite politician, Bernie Sanders, is out of the presidential race and that also pisses me the F off.  Why don’t people understand that Bernie actually cares about humans?  He  wants to help poor families break the cycle of poverty, he wants people to receive college education without going into debt and he wants to everyone in this country to have access to healthcare.  What is so horrible about those things?

Call me a socialist, I don’t care, but maybe you’ve never had your 19-year-old seemingly healthy brother suddenly receive a cancer diagnosis and need two major surgeries and chemotherapy.  Maybe you’ve never tried to help someone you love seek treatment for opioid detox/treatment and realized how close to impossible that is without $30K for a month of rehab, and maybe you’ve never had to choose between between paying all your bills each month, or paying for a shitty health insurance plan.

I’m so mad at and disappointed in the government right now.  I couldn’t help but notice in yesterday’s White House briefing that Trump has let his hair go grey instead of dying it his usual orange; and we all know that’s not because his salon is closed and he can’t get his roots touched up.  Someone probably advised him to let it go to it’s natural color so that he appears “more believable” during this time, but I’m not falling for it. The man absolutely disgusts me and I can’t wait until he is out of my life forever.

Sources

Forbes.com article: https://www.forbes.com/sites/shaharziv/2020/04/14/why-are-rich-americans-getting-17-million-stimulus-checks/#1678ad64665b

Business Insider article: https://www.businessinsider.com/jeff-bezos-net-worth-jumps-23-billion-during-coronavirus-crisis-2020-4

Queen of Corona – Day 26 – What Is This, A Freak Out? April 11, 2020

I have mentioned in several previous posts that I have a positive affirmation I have been saying for about a year and half now, and it is, “the universe loves and supports me and always acts in my favor.”

When I started saying it, it felt a bit forced, but eventually found myself repeating it in my head when I was going through a challenging or difficult time, and that’s when I knew it was working. I have continued to say it during this coronavirus quarantine, and on good days I feel, well, good, but on bad days I have questioned whether or not a positive affirmation can protect me against a new, dangerous and rapidly spreading disease, a national economic downfall, and the sheer stupidity of and disbelieving way I think some leaders are handling this crisis.

I have not yet come to a conclusion on this answer, but I can say this:  if I look at things from the perspective of one day at a time, I am technically doing alright, though sometimes I am stressed, anxious, scared, lonely, worried…the list goes on. We all know the list because I imagine we are all experiencing the same feelings.

I have been an emotional rollercoaster lately, although in a way I always am.  But things got extra bad for me last Friday.  On that day Colorado’s governor announced in a press conference that everyone should wear masks when outside of the home, and this news made me cry.  I am not against wearing a mask, but I think the announcement seemed scary and surreal, and it upset me.  On that same day one of my best friends in NJ told me she thought her boyfriend, who she lives with, had the virus, my parents sent me a picture of my mom leaving the grocery store in an N95 mask, and my “little” brother, who is a police officer in NJ, was on quarantine from work because he came in contact with the virus while on a wellness check.

I made the mistake of taking two bongs hits by myself that night, which I never do because bongs are way too much for me, and I completely freaked out and had an anxiety attack. I told myself I was just stoned and that things would be fine in 30 minutes, but my thoughts turned more negative as the night progressed.

I felt like I was finally comprehending the severity of everything going on, and like the world was ending.  In my mind I compared the Covid-19 pandemic to the Titanic sinking and not knowing who was going to make it out alive.  I thought about people in the year 1898 bunkering down for a long and brutal winter in North Dakota and not knowing if they’d see their friends or family again after the snow melted.

Eventually I fell asleep and was grateful to wake up feeling better the next morning, but by no means was I feeling good. When I told my therapist about the incident a few days later she said something along the lines of, my brain was probably processing the trauma and grief of what is going on because it was too much for it to handle all at once.  She actually said I seem to be doing good compared to some of her other clients.

I’ve talked to a few other people who have had similar panic attack experiences.  “The coronavirus freak out,” my friend Craig called it.  He said he’d had one the week before and I was just a little behind.

I suppose overall I am feeling better and more positive (at least today I am!), but I do cry regularly, and the emotions come in waves.  Lot of different things make me cry, like: watching a video of Denver music friends perform John Prine’s “Angel From Montgomery”, a meme-type video of someone dancing wildly with the caption, “me when I get out of quarantine,” a friendly text from my ex-boyfriend while I just so happen to be listening to “Brokedown Palace”, or even a random post on Facebook by Humans of New York, just to name a few.

There have been times recently when someone has asked me how I’m doing and I respond with, “I don’t know,” because that’s the truth.  Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m doing good or bad, or better or worse than anyone else.  But I have been consciously trying to repeat my mantra that the universe loves and supports me and always acts in my favor, and I’ve been trying to take notice of all the things that please me, like flowers blooming, a bluebird sky or a fluffy dog out for a stroll with its owner.

I will end this with a passage I recently came across in one of my favorite books, “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. It seems very fitting for the time.  If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it.  I also suggest reading “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind” by Dr. Joseph Murphy.  I read that book in the fall of 2018 and it inspired me to start saying my daily positive mantras, which, I decided while writing this, do in fact work during a pandemic.

 

Queen of Corona – Day 17 – Medicare For All April 2, 2020

While I am grateful to have some sort of income right now, I am working a job that is outside, is very physically demanding and has no benefits. On a nice, sunny day I feel blessed to work outside. But this morning it was 30° out, the ground and cars were wet, and we are expecting snow.

My boss initially cancelled work this morning due to weather, but then gave me the option to come in for a few hours. Sure I could have made $50 or whatever it would have amounted to, but I told her I wasn’t coming in because I didn’t think it was worth me taking the risk of getting sick right now and increasing my chances of contracting Covid-19 by needing to go to a doctor’s office or hospital, and she agreed. 

An article shared by Bernie Sanders and published by Marketwatch on 03/25/2020 states, “Getting tested for the novel coronavirus is now free, but being treated for the respiratory illness could cost up to $20,000, a recent analysis by Peterson-Kaiser Family Foundation Health System Tracker found.” (source linked at bottom of page)

I am not anti-my boss or anti-this job, but I am starting to feel down about it. I am 36 years old and working for much less pay than I’m worth. I’ve only worked five days so far, and every day after work I have been exhausted. My knees ache and are bruised, I have scratches all over my arms and my lower back is sore. 

Yesterday I talked to my therapist via video chat and she brought up concerns I have with this job but have been pushing aside so that I can make some money to support myself. If I continue to work enough hours each week at this job, I will get kicked off of Medicaid, which I have had as insurance the past six months. 

The United States healthcare system is so fucked up, and I am living proof of it. If you think I’m the only person out there working the system, you’re wrong.  My debacle is: do I forego health insurance so I can work full-time at one of the few jobs I can find right now to support myself, even though that job puts me at a higher risk of illness and personal injury? Or do I tell the job I am only available part-time so that my meager earnings qualify me for Medicaid, but then I’m not bringing in enough monthly income; unless I can find some side work that pays cash. (Please let me know if you have any work for cash! I’m a great trimmer and have lots of gardening and harvest experience. I’ve also been a part-time substitute teacher for five years and have administrative and customer service experience.)

My therapist brought up the point that to get my own private health insurance plan I am looking at paying around $500/month for a plan that actually covers a decent amount of prescriptions, hospitalizations, therapy sessions, etc.  Even my therapist recommended I only work this job part-time (if that’s an option) to maintain my Medicaid eligibility right now because a $500/month bill really isn’t worth the physical demands and low pay of the job.

Today NPR reported that a record breaking 6.6 million people have filed for unemployment and predict that will increase significantly. In fact, the article states,  “Thursday’s report is only a hint of things to come for the economy. The unemployment rate — which has been at a nearly 50-year low of 3.5% — is expected to shoot up, with some estimates putting it at 15%. Friday’s employment report for March is not expected to reflect the full impact because it’s based on surveys conducted before massive layoffs began.

But forecasters at Oxford Economics project about 20 million people will lose their jobs in the coming weeks. And Goldman Sachs expects the economy to shrink at a record 34% annual rate in the next quarter.” (source linked at bottom of page)

I mean….SHIT. What the fuck is going to happen to everyone? I paid my April rent, but how long can I sustain for? I know a lot of people are wondering the same thing. I basically cried myself to sleep last night and cried again this morning before 8:00 AM. (No, Mom, I do not want to move back to NJ.) 

One thing that surely could make this disaster better for those of us in the US that are not million or billionaires is Medicare for All. How many people have lost their health insurance in the past few weeks, and how many more to come? How many people are like me, and have to choose between working enough hours at a legitimate job, or having decent health insurance coverage?

I shouldn’t have to choose. Health care should be a right. There is no reason that I shouldn’t have health insurance if I’m out there working my ass off every day and coming home too exhausted to do anything. In last night’s case I was too tired to even listen to Phish’s new studio album. 

Yet, if I sit home unemployed, or keep my income below poverty level, I can have free health coverage! Free dental cleanings and maintenance. Free doctors visits.  Free prescription inhalers. Free therapy – which I’m sure as shit going to need if I’m unemployed.

It just doesn’t make sense!

What DOES make sense is Medicare for All, which I have been a proponent of long before Covid-19 entered the scene. 

If your state hasn’t already voted in a primary election, please, for the love of god, or at least for the love of your friend Lauren and millions of people across the country just like me, VOTE FOR BERNIE SANDERS.

As Bernie Sanders’ website says, “We should be spending money on doctors, nurses, mental health specialists, dentists, and other professionals who provide services to people and improve their lives. We must invest in the development of new drugs and technologies that cure disease and alleviate pain—not wasting hundreds of billions of dollars a year on profiteering, huge executive compensation packages, and outrageous administrative costs.”

And as both Phish and Bernie Sanders say, “we’re all in this together,”  and I think that is becoming, and going to continue to become, more apparent than ever as this epidemic escalates.

NPR article: https://www.npr.org/sections/coronavirus-live-updates/2020/04/02/825383525/6-6-million-file-for-unemployment-another-dismal-record?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=npr&utm_term=nprnews&utm_source=facebook.com&fbclid=IwAR1gWNgL1ignFs8U-lr_te-PK_aNtvsF08dfLqlXzoVDGX-mX4hNa9R4wFc

Marketwatch article: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/how-much-does-coronavirus-treatment-cost-about-20000-and-even-people-with-insurance-could-pay-1300-out-of-pocket-according-to-one-estimate-2020-03-24?fbclid=IwAR1G02arkxZlMoe7QMu1-t5FCaUmA9qQLdj1k1Nlwa4vJGPyOaknpgIEILY

 

 

Queen of Corona – Day 14 – It’s Gonna Be a Long Monday March 30, 2020

I am embarrassed to admit that I basically just started listening to John Prine three hours ago, and that it took him contracting Co-Vid 19 for me to put his music on.

I’m familiar with his name and know a lot of musicians I admire idolize him and cover his songs.  I have heard a few of his songs played by him, but until tonight, I don’t think I would have recognized a song as being a John Prine song.  He’s quirky, and quaint. His voice is softer and his style more folksy than I expected.  My friend Chris Robinson described him as “a national treasure”.

I can’t believe it took me this long to acquaint myself with John Prine.  He’s totally my style and I foresee me listening to a lot more of him. It’s very easy listening and makes me feel good, which is perfect for these times.  It also gives me an excuse to stop listening to Railroad Earth all the time.  I’ve been on my strict-Railroad Earth kick for about six months.  Obviously I still listen to other music, but Railroad Earth has really been my go-to, and I thank my lucky stars every night to have that band in my life.

But now I have John Prine.  He’s making me feel like I can spread my wings and move on. Holy fucking shit.  “When I Get to Heaven” is on right now I am am smiling so big.  “Cause I’m gonna have a cocktail, vodka and ginger ale, yea I’m gonna smoke a cigarette that’s nine miles long…”

I officially love this man! (But I like whiskey and ginger ale, and fuck cigarettes!)

I recently watched Ross James’s live stream and he covered John Prine’s “Spanish Pipedream”, which was so perfect and fitting for how I was feeling at the time.  I started listening to that song after Ross James played it, which makes “Spanish Pipedream” the first John Prine song (done by John Prine) that I sought out to hear on my own.

When I had my office job last year I was in a particularly bad mood one Monday and the John Prine song “Long Monday” came on Spotify.  I remember it made me grin from ear to ear; the song was new for me at the time. Elliott Peck covered that song tonight on her Instagram which I started watching but then decided to listen to it by John Prine, which kicked off my Monday night indulgence in his music.

Speaking of a long Monday. Woooo.  I worked my butt off at my new job today. I did a lot of physical labor, which began at 8:00 AM on the dot and lasted for eight hours and 15 minutes, and I didn’t listen to music the entire time (except when driving from one location to another and I listened to “Dirt” by Phish a few times). I worked with one other woman, who is about twenty years older than me, and seems like a bad ass.

I did so much raking, bending down and picking up, kneeling and leaning over, and hauling and lifting tarps filled with debris. I climbed in and out of the bed of a Ford F150 and stomped down piles of organic matter  It was hard work, but I never felt like I hated it.  I am very grateful to have this job, and everyone I work with has been great so far.  As my friend Lisa said, I am one in a million to get a job right now. One in a million – I like it. (The universe loves and supports me and always acts in my favor.)

I am tired on this Monday night; and sore.  I went straight to my yoga mat when I got home to stretch.  It’s going to take my body a few weeks to adjust to all the new activity, but I think this job is so good for me.  I can’t look at my phone a lot, I can’t eat a lot and there’s always work to do.  I am going to be in such good shape if I can lay off the snack and alcohol intake. This is not the kind of job I want to do with a hangover, so that should help.  Except it’s already crossed my mind that in the summer I’ll be done with a full day of work with time to get to happy hour at my favorite bar…but I don’t need to worry about that right now.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Long Monday.

Cheers!

Queen of Corona – Day 13 – She’s a Good Hearted Woman March 29, 2020

Oh my goodness.  I can not stop drinking alcohol.  This is a new-ish thing for me.  Yes, of course I’ve always drank alcohol, but not like I am right now.  The past few weeks I’ve had multiple days where I wake up and open a beer before I even eat food.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I usually insist on eating food before drinking, and I’m not typically a day drinker.  But apparently not anymore.

I am in the process of figuring out when I can lineup therapy with my new work schedule.

I normally don’t really drink on work nights, but this week I drank both nights before working my brand new job.  I drank whiskey, alone, the night before starting my new job.  I really don’t know why I am doing this. I hope I quit soon, and replace it with exercise, like I typically do.  (Not that I don’t walk miles on the city streets each week.)

I am listening to a “this day is history” Yonder Mountain String Band show – 03/29/2001. For some reason, I keep thinking about Jeff Austin during this pandemic; kind of in a morbid way.  I think about how he ended his life before any of this happened, and wonder how he would be holding up if he were with us today.

This is a very scary time for live performers. I do think then when all this passes more people will be going to concerts than ever before, but I know a lot of musicians are out of work and income right now.  It is all too easy for the mental health to go downhill during times like these.  I feel very grateful to have started a new job, and that it’s outside. I am a blessed human.

On this 3/29/01 Yonder show they cover Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson’s  “Good Hearted Woman”, and man, does that song make my life come together for me.  I could write a book.  And I’m going to.

Fun fact: Jeff Austin says at the beginning of the song, “You know, Waylon and Willie wrote this song one night down in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where we’re going to be on Saturday, when they were drunk at a bar.”

An introduction to the significance of this song in my life is this:  In 2014 the guy I met and fell for at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival 2012  let me car-sit his 2001 Subaru Outback for six months because I didn’t have a car and he wasn’t in the country or using it. The only condition was that I had to learn how to drive stick.

The car owner technically gave me one lesson driving stick, but he was fucked up, and we were in Aspen going down a hill so the car was rolling on its own.  He said I was doing a great job and trusted me to keep his car.

I got the car to my apartment with the help of a friend, but did not know how to operate it. At first, I tried to learn on my own.  I watched some YouTube videos, printed out instructions and attempted to drive the car down the block.  I somehow made it to the stop sign, but couldn’t go any further.  A car pulled up behind me and asked if I needed help.  I embarrassingly admitted that I was teaching myself to drive stick and it wasn’t going so well.  A girl jumped out of the passenger seat and parked it for me.

After that incident I enlisted a friend to give me a lesson in driving stick at City Park in Denver (thanks, Austin P!). Then I practiced driving on my own and went around the blocks of Five Points over and over.

When I got comfortable enough driving forward, I practiced going in reverse in a nearby church parking lot.  The entire time I practiced driving, I listened to Waylong Jennings and Willie Nelson’s version of “Good Hearted Woman” on repeat in the car because that was what tape was in the tape deck.  I rewound the song and listened to it continuously.

After enough practice I was able to drive the car to and from work, and then I drove it all over the greater Denver area.  I now own this car, but I’ll save that story for the book. It currently needs to be registered and insured, but I own it.  Call it sentimental value.

The car’s original name is Sparkle, but to me it’s known as the Guatemobile.

That’s all I’ve got for ya right now.

…If there’s still ramblin’ in the rambler let him go!

 

 

Queen of Corona – Day 8 – Quarantine Birthday LC 3.6 March 24, 2020

I’m 36 now. That’s cool.  I made it another year and survived my first quarantine birthday. Last year I had the time of my life partying and celebrating my 35th birthday with Leftover Salmon at the exquisite Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs, CO and had so much fun I called out of work on Monday.  This year I took what I could find as a means of celebrating.

The day before my birthday I went on a nice distanced hike in Morrison with a friend, participated in a Leftover Salmon video stream party and then met up with two friends at Cheesman Park. We walked around and drank alcohol in public. Typically these two friends are “Sanchos friends”, and I actually found it very nice to hang out with them in a different environment, even if we talked about how we wished Sanchos or Be On Key’s was open. They sang me happy birthday in two different languages as we drank whiskey next to a playground.  I ended up going inside both of their Cap Hill apartments and seeing where they live, which I don’t think would have happened if the bars were open.

After Cheesman Park we wandered to Colfax and got pizza at an empty Slice Works.  They had the tables cleared so that people weren’t encouraged to sit and linger inside, and I took advantage of the opportunity to spin a pizza box on my finger in the open space. The employee gave us a free cannoli for my birthday which we split three ways, and we ate our pizza on a cement column in the parking lot outside. It was very fancy.

Because old habits die hard, and because I insisted, we went across the street to Sanchos and tried to get inside, but both the front and back doors were locked.

Colfax was unusually quiet and we were able to cross the street without the assistance of traffic light or walk signal. The 1Up arcade bar had changed their marquee to read, “To Be Continued…”, which I thought was a reference to arcade games, but my friend said I was wrong. I went home shortly after midnight and woke up on my actual birthday feeling happy and refreshed.

I decided to be socially and soulfully responsible and spend my actual birthday alone.  I bought myself lunch (and dessert) at Whole Foods and brought it to my favorite park at an average 8,500 ft elevation.

The trails were snowy but I ended up doing  a four mile hike, which was amazing. Of course I listened to Railroad Earth the entire time. There was barely anyone else on the trail and it seemed like I had the whole place to myself. I felt very joyful and blessed during that time.

Once I got back into cell phone service I received a text from my lifelong best friend that said, “answer your phone,” which made me nervous. It turned out four of my best friends from my homeland just wanted to do a group Facetime call with me, and that tickled my little 36 year old heart and made me explode with happiness.

After my hike I treated myself to another delicious meal of salmon and salad, bought myself an electric toothbrush with birthday money from my parents and completed my 2020 Census.  As if that wasn’t enough adulting, I then wrote in my journal and listed things I want to accomplish in my 36th year. I found it funny it took me this long to come up with this list, but better late than never!

“Black Elk, I see it now from the high hill of old age….” – Railroad Earth

All in all, that was my birthday.  I enjoyed it very much.  Oh, and when I was at my friend’s apartment and she lit a tea light candle and sang me happy birthday I used my birthday wish to wish “the best for everyone”.

So, cheers, everyone.  Here’s to us!

 

Queen of Corona – Day 5 – One Last Saturday Night March 21, 2020

One week ago tonight I went out drinking, dancing and socializing in a public place for what may have been the last time for a while. I went my favorite Grateful Dead-inspired bar/venue, Be On Key’s Psychedelic Ripple, talked and laughed with people and shook my groove thing to whatever Grateful Dead cover band was playing. After that ended some of us carried on to a birthday party at a hotel across the street, and I didn’t get to sleep that night ’til the morning came around.

All of that is a far cry from what I did this Saturday. I spent my afternoon cleaning and sanitizing my apartment, and not only did two loads of laundry but also put them away. I took an hour-long walk right before sunset and noticed the changes the CO-VID 19 restrictions have caused in the neighborhood.  Through an illuminated window I saw a couple playing a board game at the kitchen table.  I saw a woman simply sitting and staring out the window, and a man standing on his front porch with his hands on his hips.

When I got to Broadway the usually bustling Punch Bowl Social was dark and deserted.

The Hornet restaurant, which is typically busy serving food and drinks on a Saturday night, had a chain on the door and the curtains drawn. They won’t have a wait tomorrow morning for their brunch and $2 build your own Bloody Mary bar.

The independent Mayan movie theater was closed, and overall there weren’t very many people out.  Those I did pass on the sidewalk all seemed to take precaution not to get to close to me. In return, I tried not to noticeably breath out of my mouth while we proceeded past each other.

After my walk I did a 25 minute yoga/meditation video with light stretches and breath work.  Then I lit a candle and enjoyed an oil diffuser that I got on a trip to Costa Rica several years ago but never use. I breathed in the scent of Rosemary essential oil while I worked on a coloring page I started a few days ago. After I got bored of that, I perused one of my library books.

It occurred to me that what I did today was probably a typical day for many “normal” people. I know it’s only been one week, but I am not used to not having the option to walk, bike or Uber to a bar or concert on a Saturday night.  I don’t necessarily go out every single weekend, but in the 9.5 years I have lived in Denver I have only taken one three month break from the city, which was this fall, and I was still quite social during that time.

It is definitely beneficial for me to slow down and take some space from the scene.  It felt good to be productive and healthy today, even though yesterday I steadily consumed alcohol by myself for a majority of the day. Hopefully that doesn’t become a habit.

It’s strange that it’s my birthday weekend and I don’t have any plans. That’s just not like me, but maybe it’s what I need. This social distancing takes some getting used to, and by the time I’m used to it things will (probably? hopefully?) be back to business as usual.  Maybe by then I’ll be a new (and 36 year old) person.